Growing into Childlike Love – Conscious regression in intimacy

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Tom Habib 2/19

0:00 Intro

1:26 Tom introduces himself

2:25 Martin short intro

2:50 Tom starts his presentation, Overview, the stages of development (find these discussions on ww.thewisdomfactory.net or www.drtomhabib.com

5:00 Regression: process into intimacy, dependency, younger self, necessity and unique characterisation for intimacy. Good or bad regression.

8:50 Regression in LR (expectation of appropriate response)

10:00 Who regresses when? Quality of regression. Anger is low quality. More info selected on regression in a couple.

11:58 Martin asks a question about repressed, dissociated anger, projected outwardly. Tom: Without resolved inner issues partners cannot participate fully. UL process necessary. Couple’s therapy isdealing with 2 people’s issues

14:55 Avoidance of dependency,

15:30 Tom starts to present his model: Life starts in dependency. “C”. An example of a hungry child. Education towards long term goals. Neediness aside and be there for another person = Adult “A”.

18:00 2 people falling in love with their inner C and A. C reemerges in both with falling in love, the need gets met: The Golden Phantasy. “If she loved me, she would know what I need” = C.

20:05 In a couple: if one has a need (in C) the other needs to be in A (listening to the anger of the other) An example.

22:40 A-C has to go back and forth in a couple. A-A is needed occasionally for decisions etc.. You never want C-C. It leads into couples destroying their relationship. Both in strong need.

24:30 Martin asks question about free flow childish flow, e.i. In sexuality, exampleof Tom’s experience.

25:45 Heidi clarifies Tom’s work as pointed to problematic relationships.

26:50 On the surface couples can look good when they are conflict avoiding and underneath are the problems

27:45 Complementary flexible relationships while managing the regression. Sequencing A-C and see how it works. Questions to Heidi and Martin about the different constellations. Man A, woman C. Father-daughter. Complementary traditional relationship. Role stage for the longest time in history. Emotional collusion not to experience all aspects of the relationship. It was culturally described,

30:50 Heidi: Feminism addressed exactly that when women wanted to get out of C into A.

31:12 Necessity to go through a traditional relationship through time, the development of the relational stage started only in the 60ies, not long ago

32:20 Man in C, woman in A? Heidi: when the woman is the boss in the house, she takes the power away from the man, children. Martin: a cougar, strong woman who has a much younger boyfriend, boy toy. Rigid complementary non traditional relationship. Often with professional women. She cannot feel the femininity.

35:45 Martin asks about the movie “American Beauty”. Helen Hunt, Jack Nicholson. She is the adult in the room, he leans on her emotionally.

37:05 A relationship stuck in A-A. Heidi: it becomes boring, Martin: like my marriage: no emotions, no sex, but very solid.

38:10 Tom: stability and predictability. TOm gives an example: no passion in relationship, caused by several reasons.

39:35  C-C Symmetry is a disaster, while symmetry  in A is still akzeptable

40:30 POWER = ability to influence. Who has the most influence? Examples of power.

43:00 Cartoons on Power. Where is power? The man or the woman in traditional configuration?, Both possible. Often power at C.

45:02 Heidi gives example of her family

45:28 Tom explains how he found these things out, even before knowing Integral. And also about Heidi’s mother who had power in C and father dynamic.

47:45 Rigid, complementary non traditional power. Also: Male C – Female A an example by Tom

49:40 Test questions starting: where are the people when they say xyz (it was fun to answer them): where is the need? Projected on the other >> in C  Someone is in A when he/she is focused on the other person.

58:50 Martin brings in Carol Gilligan: Men try to understand others by understanding themselves, while women try to understand themselves by understanding others.

55:50 MAking it about the other, not oneself is creating trust. Once stabilised the relationship there is a tacit agreement.

58:05 Empathy vs. Sympathy

58:50 Continuing the test

On the relational level the structure becomes important, the ability to hold the emotions and address things in an A way later. Martin thinks that men can do that only post-therapy!

1:05:00 The 12 rules of A/C When in C: ask “What do I want?” WHo has a need is in C,