2019, June 19th at 10 AM PT/ 7 PM CET

Crisis & Couple Intimacy

Transfigured by an Integral Lattice

 with Dr. Tom Habib

Tom writes

For couples who haven’t “cleaned-up, grown-up, and woken-up” the quality of showing-up suffers providing impetus for conflict and crisis. At times, a committed or married individual may look elsewhere to fulfill vital needs. This is especially a possibility within the intimate relationship where unrealized issues eventually “all come out in the wash”.

The extra marital affair is the most dramatic crises a couple will encounter. It is an apocalyptic developmental transformation for a couple who has failed to heed the signs to evolve. When guided along this traumatic developmental path by an integrally informed therapist, the crisis of the affair is utilized to improve vital interaction patterns, challenge erroneously held beliefs, heighten gratitude and contentment; and finally, re-enchant the relationship.

This apocalyptic transformation begins at the nauseating discovery of infidelity. Via an all quadrant analysis the missing attraction is strategically reignited for the disengaging spouse by tapping primitive impulses. After ample trauma and reflection, we finally arrive at a deeper re-connection than the couple previously experienced. Their embrace now reflects how close they came to loosing what they now cherish… that later is transformed into daily feelings of gratitude. Through this case study of an affair Tom will bring clarity and simplicity to illuminate what has to be realized in all intimate interaction to achieve the foundation from which intimacy thrives.



Tom Habib Crisi & Couple Intimacy

0:00 Intro Heidi

1:50 Tom introductory words, his work for “Consortium of integral scholars”, his interests in the couple relationships, transmuting crisis in the integral framework.

3:50 “People get into trouble when they change – and when they don’t change”

4:30 Start slide show: Conflict as greatest source for evolution. Entering into FIRST LOVE not an apocalyptic change (See video on stages for couples, first love:

6:30 The case study

8:35 The developmental path: Values/goals: . keeping the marriage together to avoid the hurt of the children

10:10 After divorce people often pick a parallel relationship: you cannot run from who you are! The fantasies. Attraction by complementary features as an attempt to develop.

12:05 Tom about his marriage

12:40 Some theory about couples. Growing into child like intimacy  The couples line (full video)

14:00 The first stages of a couple: Safety&Attraction,, the limits and the upcoming reality leads into the roles stages. Heidi: A pledge for not giving up at the end of the first stage. Running away you might miss the chance. The sacredness of marriage. The commitment of growing together

18:00 The role stage. The phantasies. The illusion of not needing to do the relationship work and keep the initial stages.

20:30 Feminism impacted the couples, postmodernism changed a lot. Men still reacting to it.

23:00 Cultural messages are strong

23:00 Heidi explains the integral jargon and where to learn more about it.

24:25 The case study analysis: everything is about her needs (Rigid complementary traditional relationship: A (adult) C (child).

Several constellations possible today.

28:18 Patterns of relationships A-A, C-C (=normal: 2 people in need at the same time)

30:10 Structure: what is going on in the relationship: healthy: How the energy is created in a couple: back and forth. Problem: one pursues the other, pushing the other away through the neediness and missing abilities to show up.

33:40 The Co-Creation of the problematic situation! In the case: she is the outward manifestion of his own desires. “Who we pick says a lot about who we are!”

35:35 The 9 steps the therapist took in this case.

46:50 NEED of WANT? Tom’s story of the previous conditionings and how to handle them.

48:15 step 8: switching the focus.

50:50 step 9: deepening separation: tapping into the primitive emotions to revive the relationship.

52:30 ONLY NOW he is ready for a (couple) therapy, he wouldn’t have been before!

53:20 A year later: the relationship stabilized in stage 3. Work to get them into stage 4 can now start.

55:30 Take aways.

58: Heidi shares her history

1:00:00 Dependence on the partner is conditioning and takes away the power. Totally different quality. Evolving relationships now.

1:01:20 Heidi on the criticism towards Tom’s “manipulation” method. The intent is important!

Summary and final words


When in May 2014 we held workshops in the same section at the Integral European Conference we videotaped Tom’s presentation and published it on our Youtube Channel. From then on we invited him regularly to our shows and witnessed the enfolding of his research into the ways how couples can grow up together.

The first groundbreaking contribution was about the stages of couple development. (You find it as audio podcast  in 15 minute parts, or as videos HERE).

After that we had several live conversations with Tom, also together with Martin Ucik, another integrally informed “relationship guy”.

Mind blowing for me was this episode about  Growing into Childlike Love – Conscious regression in intimacy. Becoming able to hold the emotional states of the partner and living through them with increased intimacy is an expression of higher stages in our development! This makes so much sense to me! And it is a huge gift for us when we experience that.

This time we discuss an ulterior development in Tom’s research: How an extramarital affair can not only not lead to wrath and separation, but be used to deepen the understanding and intimacy of the couple by developing new relationship skills.


Dr. Tom Habib is a clinical psychologist in San Juan Capistrano, CA specializing in couple’s therapy. Tom has published papers on a Couple’s Line of Development (Integral Leadership Review, Aug-Nov, 2016, revised 2018) and on the role of Regression and LR Supporting Structures (Journal of Integral Theory & Practice, Dec. 2014).

He has presented at the Integral Theory Conference, at the Integral European Conference (IEC) 2018 and 2016 where he was recognized for the Best Practitioner Paper, Honorable Mention. Tom is currently serving as the chair for the newly emerging International Consortium of Integral Scholars for IEC.

In Dec., 2017 Tom was designated as a top 5% researcher by and was notified November, 2018 that he had achieved the top 1% researcher in recognition how often his work is viewed by researchers all over the world. The Wisdom Factory was the first to introduce Tom to the larger integral community and to make his ideas available throughout the world. Since then, he has presented his work on several pod/video cast including The Daily Evolver, Evolve Radio, Something You Should Know among others.



If These Walls Could Talk: A Therapist Reveals Stories of Change and How They will Work for You

Dr Thomas Habibs book on AMAZON

A couples line of development

Academic paper by Dr. Tom Habib

INTIMATE COUPLES Regression and Lower-Right Supporting Structures

Academic paper by Dr. Tom Habib