Facing crisis

Summary

The conversation takes place in early June 2025 and centers on how to cope with unexpected crises and life-changing events. The participants share personal experiences, especially with illness, death, and caring for loved ones. Key themes include presence, inner resilience, acceptance of impermanence, and dealing with life’s uncertainties. The discussion also touches on the psychological strain caused by external factors such as climate change or family challenges. Through personal stories, the group creates a space that offers comfort, courage, and strength. Particular emphasis is placed on consciously managing one’s energy, not getting lost in the chaos of the world, and focusing on what truly matters. Human connection, caring, and an awareness of life’s finiteness are at the heart of the exchange. In closing, the participants reflect on life gifts, personal growth, and enduring crises as a path to greater awareness of their own position and responsibility toward themselves and others.

Highlights

• 🌦️ Personal impressions of the weather symbolize moods and phases of life
• 💔 Life-altering diagnoses and disease trajectories as a central topic
• 🧘‍♀️ Importance of presence and mindfulness in times of crisis
• 🌍 Impact of climate change on psychological well-being
• ❤️ Significance of interpersonal support and closeness in difficult times
• 🎻 Dealing with farewells and one’s own mortality
• 🌱 Hope and transformation despite existential challenges

Key Insights

• 🌧️ Weather symbolism as a carrier of emotion: Changing weather conditions reflect both external environmental factors and inner emotional states. This imagery highlights how nature and humanity are intertwined and mutually influential. Especially in hard times, weather can serve as a metaphor for internal processes and help locate feelings.
• 🩺 The unpredictability of illness confronts existential fears: One participant’s experience with a lymphoma diagnosis illustrates the steep rise in uncertainty, fear, and the need for rapid adaptation. Staying focused on the next step despite the shock is described as a vital survival strategy. Constantly shifting medical diagnoses place an extreme burden on those affected.
• 🧘‍♂️ Presence as a key competence for crisis management: Participants repeatedly emphasize how crucial it is to remain present in the here and now and to handle situations without excessive mental projection. This stance—“mindfulness” in the Buddhist sense—serves as a resource against mental and physical exhaustion. Presence helps maintain perspective and make focused decisions.
• 🌡️ Climate change influences psyche and sense of life: One participant explains how friends in scientific fields are heavily burdened by constant confrontation with the climate crisis. This is mirrored in personal perceptions of weather (extreme fluctuations in Southern California, unexpected rain) and mood. These global swings create added uncertainty, reflected in inner turmoil.
• 💞 Human connectedness provides support and meaning: Discussions about caring for loved ones and coping with their suffering and death underscore the essential importance of care, security, and emotional closeness. Expressing feelings—love, concern, gratitude—even under difficult circumstances is shown to be vital. These bonds sustain people through extreme life situations.
• 🎼 Crises as opportunities for deeper reflection and transformation: Participants recount personal growth in the context of illness and farewells. Realizing the value of perceiving life consciously and using one’s “gifts” for the benefit of others is experienced as comforting and empowering. Accepting that some things are uncontrollable aids in finding inner calm and trusting the “higher self” rather than the ego.
• ⏳ Impermanence heightens awareness of time and priorities: Awareness of life’s finiteness—through the impending death of loved ones or one’s own aging—motivates a reset of priorities. It raises the question of how to use limited time meaningfully and focus on essentials instead of getting lost in everyday minutiae. Contemplating “the tiny speck in the universe” brings a humble yet powerful perspective that fosters greater calm in facing challenges.

These insights vividly demonstrate how open, honest, and reflective engagement with existential issues strengthens people in crisis. The combination of personal accounts, psychological understanding, and spiritual attitude conveys hope and encourages meeting both individual and collective challenges with greater awareness and compassion.

We are again in woman women matters and it is the very beginning of June 2025. I’m here in Italy as you see finally the season has arrived. I’m really glad because I was so cold all the time and it rained all the time. So now it’s really good. And that’s my very short check-in about the topic of our conversation. We were thinking to talk about when unexpected evidence hit, what will we do? What can we do? And so I give over to Vienna. Hi. Um, it’s rather thunderstorm. So, if I just vanish, it’s strike lightning

striking. Uh, we have rather hot weather. It’s not too pleasant. Uh, I noticed that I’m rather tired most of the time because of the weather, I tell myself, and not because of my age. Um yeah, we will have a similar topic uh in our saloon soon saloon in July. Uh how do how do we meet a crisis? So this is yeah I I would very much like to talk about that topic. Okay, I give to get over. Yeah. Hi, it’s been quite a while and uh I told the two ladies already um that since March 20th our life changed

dramatically. Um it took some time till we knew what happened but um now it’s clear he my husband is diagnosed with what is it called? felicular. So it means coming with edemas uh edemas um um non-hodkin lymphoma and so we are now in the third cycle of immuno and and um what is it called the chemo therapy? Yeah. And he lost 20 kilos within five weeks and a lot of that was water. So he had 5 1/2 L in the lung and um and he he also had I mean he had a very big belly of course due to some fat of course but also this was in there was

water in the belly and and they gave him some medication. So, so he lost 12 kilos or so within a few days and yeah. So, hi. Hi, Gina. So that was my So yeah, maybe you say a short version so Gina knows because because of your experience we were choosing the title how to how to handle with crisis you know I wasn’t here for some time and as you noticed and my husband was diagnosed with lymphoma and so since March 20th we’re we’re Yeah, dealing with this. Um, and he’s home now for 3 weeks, I think.

But he was in hospital for a long time till they knew what what it was because there was changing diagnosis from day to day almost. And um yeah, he’s still weak. So today, the first time he went downstairs and back again, but then he needed to go back to bed. So yeah, but his yeah, he’s in a rather good mood and yeah, so this is my life at the moment and I’m I’m the only one to take care of him from morning till night till yeah with all the cooking and everything else. So we shared that all the time. So he

was cooking most of the time. So I’m I’m a training chef at the moment. Yeah, it’s so many things that you have to take care. Should we continue first with a check in and then we we go into the topic. Who do you want to hear? That’s that’s me. Who do you want to hear next? Victoria, thank you, Gra. Um, so sorry to hear about your husband. Um, yeah, I’ve walked down that path now with my husband and both my parents. So, um, my heart goes out to you. It’s very hard. Um I um yeah, everything seems trivial in

comparison. It’s hard to check in after that. Um I uh let’s see the I guess I guess the weather’s good. Heidi and Monia talked about that’s neutral. Um we’ve had a totally peculiar weather here for a long time now. So um I one of my closest childhood friends is um one of the world experts in climate change and his father was in fact the scientist who pro conclusively proved it. Um about I don’t know how long ago like 30 or 40 years ago already. Um, and so his son, my friend, is carrying on the tradition. And and

now I I’ve been noticing every time I’ve seen him socially for some time now, he’s just really really depressed. And and and I realize now it’s because he’s carrying that 24 hours a day because that’s what his entire life’s work is. And he’s running his own his own lab and his father’s his father died very unexpectedly. And so he’s running both both labs and he’s just immersed in that world and um it just yeah talk about changes. I I hadn’t I don’t know I I you know we we tend to think oh yeah climate

change and then but but being close to somebody who is is um thinking about 24 hours a day makes it and and working with it scientifically makes it uh really pressing. And I realized that the um yeah I mean in every respect it’s just bizarre. This is like you said Heidi. I mean here in Southern California we expect you know hot weather especially now and it’s been freezing cold and then muggy and then raining and we never have rain. It’s desert. Um and and the climate’s kind of a I guess a reflection of what’s going on in

my life in other ways, but we can talk about that when we get in the discussion. Um I’ll pass to Hani. Thank you Victoria all the way from you to South Africa. Yeah. After that, first of all, good trout. Also, my heart goes out to you. There’s actually no words after that, but I’m looking at the sunset. I can see it. And we also have it’s winter. Winter is here. So, we are getting ready for wet wet weather. And it’s still something that I need to get used to in winter because in Johannesburg we didn’t

get winter rain. We we got summer rain. So, body is still climatizing. It takes some time to get used to it because I’m so used to the sun in winter and the year it can just rain for days on end. Then you don’t see the sun at all. And yet if I look over the horizon seeing the sunset and there’s some clouds because we’re going to get rain tomorrow apparently. Yeah. There’s this light through the clouds that during such time there’s always something in nature reminding us of life. And that’s what I can share right now.

Thank you. Napos to you, Gina. Thank you, Henry. I I knew you were going to say something positive. I was just I just knew you would do it. Thank you. Uh the thunder and the sunshine, right? Um it’s pretty calm here. We’re having a little cooler t time here in Victoria, but um um lots of Canada is actually burning now. So we have six provinces with outofc control fires mostly in the north where there’s uh very few resources to be able to help people evacuate from essentially remote uh first nations and Inuit uh

communities. Um and of course the smoke doesn’t stay just where the fire is. So that’s a bit of a concern. And so the the climate change is very much on our minds and uh also our our neighbors to the south and the politics there and and how how that feels very destabilizing. So um yeah, it feels it feels like not a really good place even though I think we live in a beautiful planet. So, I’ll try and end positive that uh the heat that we did get for a little while uh absolutely popped my my deep orange uh

rose bush. So, I’ve got a ton of blooms and uh the poppies are on the way. And I’ll pass to you, Mona. I already had a checkin, but here is also the roses are in bloom. It’s fantastic. And it’s getting darker and darker outside. So, uh, I’m expecting the next rain and we have really floods of rain. Um, yeah. So, that’s about an addition to my checking. I pass on to Heidi. Yeah. Here the roses are almost gone. A few, very few are still on. The orandas are now in bloom. It’s very nice. I like I just

like summer. Now, it has become summer since yesterday. It’s summer temperature and around 30 centra and I feel so good finally not freezing for me when it’s getting over 35 then I might think okay but 30 is perfect for me really perfect so I’m happy for that and also for other reasons I have behind a period of about three four weeks of intense study interior study with or processes as I said last time with the jean keys and um also other things but I really really went through some and sometimes I still get into the

other mood you know but uh I succeed to come out quite quickly and that’s good I hope it will stay so and it feels it’s a different feeling for life since I have done all these processes I’m glad. I’m really glad also it’s not easy but I had the occasion. It was a why I did it. It was not so pleasant. But then I start to see all the all the challenges as a a possibility. Even yesterday there was a challenge and I thought ah okay. So and you know I came out of it also I was triggered too and I noticed it and then

I thought okay let’s see and um good I’m in a very good mood I’m not listening very much to what is listen happening in the world because it’s the normal chaos I have studied that for five years and it’s enough now occasionally I hear something and I think when when will the the world come uh from upside down on the uh on the feed and in the meantime I don’t the meantime I don’t need to know every little detail anymore because the tendency and what is going on in the the big picture I have understood and it’s

not very nice but on the other end as we already talked about the Chris B and his um LSD and the mind of the universe and now with the first perspective with the gene keys from Richard Rat. I am convinced that it’s all okay what is happening because it’s going to towards a different humanity and we are in the birthing process and I’m glad that I can be a witness and be part of it and so I take it much more relaxed the whole thing and I’m glad about it. But I had also some life-changing events in

the past similar to getouts. I think everybody knows that. So let’s talk about that. What how did we manage these things which from one day to the other? Oh for synchronicity I was out for lunch today with a German friend and she told me about her husband from one moment to the other. He was a bit ill before but from one moment to the other he died. And so it seems to be um how to say a topic for today which is worthwhile um talking about how can we cope and if you want to to start get you said you have to get get off um earlier

from the call. So what is your your practice now to to face this um situation actually it’s presence I I don’t it’s like you know when you get a different diagnosis every few days um then you relax into it and then the next one is even worse than the first one. Then so it’s it’s uh and then just say okay I’m here and and I I’m just dealing with what’s so and I I feel that it’s draining when you have an adrenaline push every few days. So like or on Wednesday um he called the the clinic to and and

was Yeah. So, so they have to carry him on a on a what do you call it? Something you car so two people carrying him from the second floor to the to the ambulance to to go there and it was like um the the belly was bloating again. So I think there was Yeah. And the doctor said, “Yeah, it’s it’s the water coming back and you get some diarrhea and and and and that’s fine and the blood is better than before.” So, but you know, it’s it’s an adrenaline push and that is draining. So, this is like really physically. So

it’s like when you had an an accident or almost accident then you you are like after that you you collapse. So that that is something that’s draining and the con yeah to be responsible for everything. So, but I’m in a good mood and I I learned to cook, which he did all the time. And um and I even like to, you know, like decorate the food and do just find the tasty stuff and healthy tasty. Yeah. So, and priorities change within minutes. It’s like, you know, before my books and oh my whatever. And at the moment, somebody

said, “What can you let go of?” And I was thinking, I said, “If I have to, I can even let go of him.” But this is not my this is not what I want. But I could like yeah take I don’t know just take my stuff and I don’t care. It’s really like this human connection and the whole family coming together and my daughter was here for the weekend supporting a lot. So friends coming to support So this is really really um yeah I think I think presence and and being clear of what’s important. So I it it’s not my mind who

has to think about what’s important but it gets clear very much what what’s important and what’s just okay. Yeah. nice to have. Yeah, that’s and and there’s also something that like telling each other how much you care or how much they mean to you or so and and I think he was aware of this and and you know men are not so eager to share their love verbally more practically. So, but yeah. So, when it comes to shell, you can open your mouth and say that. Yeah. And the kids call every day and so it’s really it’s really nice.

I can relate to that because when I uh followed Mark into death and also my mother, you are just aware of what is going on just now. What is your your task and you do this and you do this and you do this and that something comes up and you do this. It’s a constant awareness, a constant vigilance also. Even at night, it happened to me. No, that you are always um present. You called it present. I think it’s it’s the right word. Always present and prepared for for what is needed in the next moment. and you do it

without thinking, without Yeah, you might think a little bit but not challenging or whatever. It’s just to be done and you do it. So yeah, it’s draining. I know that’s draining. So I wish you a lot of and and take care for you. Sometimes go I don’t know swimming or something just just to to get your body um into I did some massage and things like that because It’s too much also for the body, not only for the mind. Yeah. You know, remind me so much about my son. It took us 12 years to discover that he had two two brain tumors.

Your son? Yeah. And living like that for 12 years, I realized only much later in my life what it did to my nervous system because he was in and out of the hospital obviously all the time. And if I look back, it’s like you say, you’re just present with the moment with what’s happening and what’s needed in the moment. You don’t even think of tomorrow. And I think it did affect the rest of my life as well because you are so deeply entrenched in the present that yeah you don’t you don’t think you’re just simply there to do

what needs to be done and also all these because obviously it took me 12 years to diagnose what was really wrong and all the medication and the combinations of medications they didn’t work and him hitting his head against the wall because of all that medications working against each other all the trauma more for him than for me witnessing it but really take care of your nervous system go throughout it’s very very important like you say I do some something to support that often because when we in that coping

mode it’s not even survival mode it’s just coping mode We don’t really take care of ourselves and it is draining but what I learned from it is the value of life to deeply appreciate every single moment and like you say the human connection and what’s really important to you. It’s always opportunity for that and to if I I’m quite emotional now if I just think back of it because we went through it alone me and my husband my ex-husband we didn’t have family close to us but I think on some level the resilience

that I gathered through it was something that I could never lose in life you know that maybe I’m yet to share that with other people know in some way. Um, how is your son today? No, he’s fine today. He’s fine today. Um, he doesn’t need to take any medication anymore. He he didn’t have he used to have to go for brain scans every 3 months. luckily didn’t grow because he had the opportunity to take it out. But it would have been such a disruptive experience in his life and he wouldn’t have been able to go to school

for 6 months and he would have a big scar because at that time they had to cut open like this. And we actually gave him the choice to decide because they couldn’t guarantee that it would help. And so the process was just to stop to ensure that doesn’t stop growing that doesn’t keep on growing. And then through time about a per period of 12 14 years it completely decreased in size that he didn’t have to take medication anymore. So now he’s fine today but it did affect all the meds that he took all

those years affected his liver. So he had almost liver failure a few years ago. Sadly you know it was a knock-on effect but they had no clue. Obviously today there’s a lot more technology and in terms of medical technology to discover it but those years the there wasn’t much that it took them so long to really it was actually a pathologist who discovered it not a radiologist. It was really fascinating because he was curious about it because it was something weird you know it’s not something that usually

happen but for me it’s Yeah. Yeah. I think it took me more into my heart and out of my head as well already from that time. Okay. See if we can do this. Um, yeah. So I I I feel for you, Gertrude. I’m so sorry to hear that happen. Um what I can say is, you know, having experienced um uh my mother’s death happened one month after she moved here pretty much 2 months, 1 month, and it was the same thing like not diagnosed, not the right medicine. She was having congestive heart failure and they gave

her puffers. Um, and even the uh echo cardiograms weren’t telling the whole story and nothing was the angiogram wasn’t telling the whole story and at one point she was almost released. You’re you’re fine. And it turns out she wasn’t fine. And in that one month that she was in hospital, her heart actually just essentially necroized. So by the time they did the open heart surgery, it was actually too late. So there’s a month. That’s what that looks like, right? Um, so they had just moved from Toronto. So I have been because we were

in the Navy, I had lived away from home since I was in my early 20s. So this was my parents coming to me to be cared for uh all the way to Victoria and starting a new life essentially uh with me. And uh so then I had to look after my father and that was really interesting because he of course he really would have rather stayed back in Ontario. Um but he had a lot of little medical things that required us to give him care. um either through an appointment or coming to stay with us post recovery and

some of those were longer than expected and deeply deeply exhausting because as you say it’s the next thing and you know my father’s very very sweet man but he’s like I need this I need that I need this and all through the night too um and it is deeply deeply exhausting and what I find is you have to be so careful um when you get that tire that you you actually become cognitively impaired. Um maybe you’ll realize it, maybe you won’t. Uh but the same as if you’ve been drinking too much. And so you have to be

super careful and super conscious of not just um looking after them, but simple things like walking, not falling, driving, paying attention, like you have to be so present um to look after yourself. But through all that um his death was sudden and un completely unexpected uh because we’d been through all these surgeries. In fact, he was just recovered quite strongly from the last one and he should have been good for another 10 years. But what I was grateful for is I had that time to care. So it was deep intimate home care

and at least I had that time. How long ago is that? November. Still very present, isn’t it? Yeah. There was nothing wrong with him. So it was this is why it was a shock. Um he didn’t have any problem and just died. So um yeah, but great grateful grateful for that time which I wouldn’t have had otherwise. So I feel like hugging you. Thanks. Yeah, I get that. I give you a hug, too. Yeah, thank you. That’s your Show your tears. I think it’s important that we are releasing this. It’s now almost seven years that

Mark died here in front of me on the sofa fell over and was dead. And at the beginning I felt like that for quite a long time. Now it’s sort of better. I’ve moved on. time in some way his but the memory which we have passed together and everybody on their own way no and it’s it’s just stays and I still feel connected and that will be always when you have a good understanding with a person they just don’t go away I mean they’re here feel Maybe he is listening. But I hope get that you will be uh you the end will be like with Hani

that he will be fine after all the treatments. Yeah. But I have to face that. Yes. But it could Yes, you do. Go another way. And of course I have preferences it but it’s no guarantee. Yeah. Praying that it will come out the way you You want it? Yeah. I I wish you so much internal strength and external strength for sure too and be with you. Thank you. Yeah. Can I make a suggestion on WhatsApp? Just send me a picture, a first face. Then I know to send you lots of love. A picture of him. No, no, you just send

me an emoji. Then I know I light a candle for you and I send you love. That’s That’s sweet. Yeah, we should make a group together and on WhatsApp or Telegram or whatever. And then I don’t know if I have all the telephone numbers. Maybe mind you have yeah we we do you can answer on one of the group mails or or send it directly to me and then we I can create a group. Okay. You’re talking to Han Lee. No to everybody who number I don’t have. And I wish that you have a good meal for him tonight and that you can have

him enjoy this part of life. Ladies, thank you so much and it’s really nice to see you all. I was like completely in a different realm for some time and now I’m trying to get my own um like starting to work a little bit and not overwhelmed but no like having my own life in this big thing. Yeah. Okay. So take care everyone and all the best for each and everyone and your loved ones. Bye-bye. All the best for you. Bye-bye. So, I think it’s kind of interesting that we ended up on this topic because

um I was definitely feeling mortal in the last week and I was looking at time frames and thinking about it’s been 12 years since we moved from Ottawa to Victoria and how quickly 12 years went. And then I take my age uh because both my husband and I have birthdays in this month and I add 12 years and I go that’s not very long. And so it’s I thought I don’t want to I don’t want to have this discussion with these ladies about this. What is with me? I must be in some weird mood. And here we are having this discussion.

So I find it rather um curious and as always mystical and wonderful. Um, but it is an interesting thing because when you think about the, as you say, Heidi, I’m not I’m not experienced in the jinkies. I’m aware of them, but I don’t know enough about them. We are really here just in a speck of time. It’s really just a little speck. And sometimes it feels fast and sometimes it feels slow, but it does sort of bring you back to what are you doing, how you spending your time, what matters, what doesn’t

matter. Um, you know, what what do you do when you don’t know how long your runway is? Uh, you know, people die all the time. Uh, the obituaries seem to get closer and closer to my birthday. But on the other hand, if you take care of yourself and you can live to be 100 these days, there’s no reason why you couldn’t. So, it’s very interesting that we’re we’re in this space as uncomfortable as it might feel to be mortal. At least on this plane, it’s interesting. This opens a whole other discussion immortality on another plane,

but I don’t know if you want to go there today. Mona or Victoria, you have to add something about your lifechanging revenge. It must not be death. I know Victoria has lived this many years ago, too. Oops. Yeah, now she’s gone. Mona, I don’t think you have had this late lately, let’s say. But who wants to say something? I give over to Victoria because she has more of a crisis than I do. If you want Victoria to add something. Yeah. Well, it it’s um it’s strange because I was just I was I mean, like Gina says, it’s strange how

these synchronicities happen. I was I was just saying yesterday to a friend of mine um that I don’t I don’t want to talk about the illnesses and deaths of my loved ones anymore or at least not right now. Maybe a time will come and a place will come where it’s appropriate or needed even. Um so I’m I’m not saying this in any kind of judgment at all. On the contrary, I’m totally in it in it with with you and I certainly also with Gatrout. [Music] Um, but but in terms of of being able to persevere in one’s own life, I I

realized there it’s it’s it’s like they’re like seasons or something. I don’t know. Um, and the other strange part of it, like on the other end of the spectrum, um, I was just talking to a friend yesterday. Um, it seems almost uncanny about how completely absorbing it was um to with Beatatric, with my daughter um, from the minute she was born um, until she was independent. And as uh as Mona and Heidi sometimes remind me maybe maybe that’s still going on in some way shape or form um that that life

is totally different when one is so so being absorbed in the life or whether it’s flowing or ebbing or coming into being or going out is um is an immense occupation. And when Gertrat said, you know, she used to think about her books and love her books and everything and now, you know, she can let go of everything. I remembered that, you know, in in these times um of of caregiving for, you know, first my husband, then my mother, no, then my dad, then my mother, um I I I couldn’t even read when I tried

to. It was um it was uh like you were saying, Jean, it was almost like a cognitive haze. Um the other thing that’s synchronous for me about this conversation, because I was almost tempted to, you know, write in the chat, I’m I’m sorry, this is overwhelming. I can’t, you know, I send my love and my prayers and everything, but I can’t can’t do this. But then I thought, oh, it’s meant to be because uh as the well the German saying of my late husband V is um it’s it is the way it’s meant to be. Um I on Thursday I I was hoping to go up

and visit Beatatric um who is the final uh performance final production of the ballet theater where she works and um and one of the great Prima ballerinas is retiring. So, she’s doing an extra performance on Sunday just of her to say goodbye to her career and her followers. And it’s a big deal and I’ve been looking forward to it for months. And then I was invited um by Harvard, my my alma mater, um to we have a reunion, a 45th reunion at the time goes quickly to perform for a memorial service for our classmates who

have passed. And th so those are people my age. Um I had four roommates freshman year and um only two two of them have passed away and um a couple of my best friends have passed. Um it just goes on and on and um and so so anyway, long story short, I don’t want to take up too much time, but I was I was very resentful at the invitation. And so I put up all kinds of roadblocks that um they would have to pay my Harvard would have to pay my airfare and my accommodation and all the meals and all the expensing and all the

expenses um hoping against hope that they would say no and there was a lot of negotiating um but I really really didn’t want to go and I still don’t want to go but something in me um and that’s again my late husband I I carry so many of his sayings in my head to this just all the time. It’s like his voice is in my ear. He always had this saying, “Go where they want you.” And he made some major life decisions um changing his place of work and everything, changing country, everything with tears, days and days of tears. And

but but he knew that they somebody wanted him for some reason. And he felt that was a cosmic thing. And so you do what is and in that sense too you do what is in front of you what is yours to do whether you like it or not and um so I thought of that and Beatatrice of course having had him as a father u reminded me of that and so I’m so anyway long story short I’m going but it’s very yeah it’s very sobering actually I’m really grateful for this conversation today because I feel like it it it is a

good reminder to me um because I was kind of pushing away my own grief um that this of course I have to do this and sure it would be fun to go up and watch ballet and hang out with Peter and go to restaurants and walk in the forest but these these are people I knew and loved and cared about and their families will be there and um they’re going to toll the big bell in Harvard Yard for every person who passed. And I just looked at the list and it gave me a chill. I mean it’s like hundreds hundreds of people who have died and um

and and so I thought yes I mean where else should I be on that day you know and and I have I have my music to give and hopefully that will be healing and if a tribute and um anyway I’m sorry I’m going on so long but it it’s just so strange cuz until this minute I hadn’t even thought about the connection with you know in 3 days I’m going to be flying there and and doing this and um you know dragging my feet but now I now thanks to you and I really appreciate that now I now I realize this is important because it just seemed very

abstract but now I realize it’s it’s meaningful and I’m grateful. So, um, Mona, I think you’re up if I’m sorry it took so long, but it was suddenly all these things came to the four. Um, anyway, thank you everybody. I’m glad you solved it for you. Uh, strangely enough, last night I thought about uh Grace and Grit uh the death of Treya and how they all interacted. And this is the last book I read where I really cried uh an ocean and I haven’t cried in a long long long time. And so um it depends on how

you what your how shall I put it? Uh your death has many perspectives for many people and we shouldn’t underestimate that the way we die. Anyway, we are having a group of four people talking about old age and death about once a month. And yeah, so it’s a familiar topic, but you go into it to a certain degree and then you sort of shield yourself, I guess. But once you are really faced with it right away, then it’s just moment to moment. That’s what I Well, my parents died long ago. My mother died in

2001 and my father died in 7 1974. So I was it was just yeah he was also uh a victim of his profession because at that time he was a dentist and at that time they didn’t shield you from the x-rays you just he held it for every patient and so he finally was overwhelmed by throat cancer. But it’s also important in my opinion what you can contribute to the death of a person. And um I know that I I the only thing I could contribute to my father’s death was that I told the doctor not to give him another heart uh support and

just look at his uh history and just let him go. And then he he just helped. But of course they have to at that time in 1974 you really the doctor sort of risked something by doing this. But they knew that I was would be supporting him. And what whenever a family me member died, it was a really for me um very inspirational and transformative event [Music] um unexpected. I didn’t premeditate any of this and yeah. William, Heidi, and I guess I don’t know who they are. Hungary, they saw my Oh, Dra, they saw my husband. He was just

sitting next to me. And we are now preparing our 60th wedding anniversary, which will be on June 21st. And yeah, he’s trying to do his best and I’m trying to support him or I am supporting him, but it’s not an easy time as well. Yeah. But I guess it’s something everybody has to go through. Death of your parents, it’s just unavoidable. And I wonder why we just don’t want to look at it for it or the death of your partner. It’s just either you go or he goes. It’s just that’s how things are. Yeah. Victoria, I’m reminded of uh many

sessions ago when you wanted to give concerts and you couldn’t find your audience and I’m like it was offered to you and you’re like no no no and yet you’ve uh you’re going and I’m like I’m first of all I’m I think Harvard needs music music right now needs some healing on the campus. So, I think it’s wonderful that you’re going and yeah, I was thinking about friends that I’d lost to and so I’m glad that you can go in a different space. So, I’m really happy for you that you are stepping up to those who are calling you

and I just it’s such a a dot from the couple sessions ago to this dot. Thank you. Pretty magnificent to be playing at Harvard. Well, thank you. Well, that’s actually um yeah, it’s all tangled up because I realized when when I had this call that I’m I my first thought was I’m not prepared. I I had given up hope of ever playing again for anybody. And the strangest thing is a few weeks before a friend who’s not really a friend, more of an acquaintance, but he his father had died. It was a huge Catholic family. Um,

and it was going to be an enormous event and I never knew anybody in his family and I barely know him. I mean, he’s a I’ve known for many years, but not close closely. And he asked me to play for his father’s funeral and and for the reception. So, that would have been a totally different kind of, you know, with a pianist and repertoire. And because I wanted to honor the request, I went to a huge amount of work to um connect with the music director at the church and then to find out about the venue and I hired a

pianist. It took a long time to find someone at such short notice and guess what? He called me the day before and said, “Oh, you know, my family decided um we we you know, there’ll be too many people talking and we don’t want to have any music and it’s going to be too distracting.” And um he said, “But you can come.” He said, “The music director of the church said you can come and play a short piece that’s 1 minute long.” Well, it takes me almost an hour to get to the place. So, I was furious and I I

Anyway, long story short, that led to nothing. And so right on the heels of that came this call from Harvard and I thought no not not again I’m I’m not gonna do this you know wanting to play a concert that I initiate this one thing and and this kind of thing and then I thought no that’s very uncharitable of me that that this is the gift God gave me and people and like you said when when people are die you know I just realized my friend was just out of out of his depth you know He was he was the

oldest of these 12 children in this huge family and he thought he could kind of make a decision and a choice but he had to contend with all his siblings and his stepmother who’s still very much alive. I mean again as I said I don’t know the people and suddenly my heart just went out to him and I thought poor thing you know he he acted in good faith and that was that would have been meaningful for him but then I realized that what what all of us are given whatever gifts we’re given are not for us they’re for the world for for

what who whomever we contact or and so that’s why that yeah that thing of my husband go where they haunt you, I think is so profound. And I saw in his own life how, you know, he he cried for three days when he was asked to leave Harvard and go back to Vienna to be director of a museum there because he was so happy in the United States and so happy at Harvard. And he he literally cried for 3 days, but he went because he knew that’s where he was needed and wanted. Um, not that he wasn’t wanted at

Harvard, but anyway, now I’m talking too much again. But um but thank you Gina because that’s yeah it’s it’s all it’s all sort of interwoven in that strange way that um that I think I’m realizing a lot of my anguish these last months has been ego driven pride driven that um the longing to be to be wanted and needed and to be able to just snap my fingers and I have a big concert that that’s that’s shouldn’t be what it’s about in the first place. So anyway, thank you. That was um the other thing I wanted to

add, you said you didn’t study anymore on the the fingers. I mean, this is an instrument where you have to study because otherwise you you lose the agility with Yes. Hence my panic. Yes. Yes. I’m totally out of shape. I I just said to a friend yesterday what I’m so glad that you re retook the the practice you know and that you develop your gift instead of throwing it away you know thank you yeah well I have three days pray for me but you know you will do it and welcome these events so that you are forced

to to to to not lose your gift that’s what I wanted to And I’m really well the great the Thank you. Well, the great Yasha Hifitz um who was a kind of like a god when I was a child. He was considered the greatest violinist in the world. He I saw an interview with him when I was still a young child and I never forgot it. He said, “If I don’t practice for one day, I notice it. If I don’t practice for two days, the critics notice it. If I don’t practice for three days, the audience notices it.” And I

thought of that. I thought, okay, I’ve got three days, so I I need to I need to get back in shape. But um yeah it no I I think with everything in life we have I think all of us have skills and gifts and we need to be all constantly attuned to the call where we’re needed or what’s um I mean just looking at your beautiful garden behind you and realizing this this fabulous gift with nature that you have. I’ve I’ve wanted so long to visit you and then I’ve always thought to myself, she’ll put me to work in the

garden and I don’t want to do that. I mean, we all have that. We all have unique, you know, and special gifts. So, it’s Anyway, I I don’t know why I’m rambling on so much today. I guess I guess this was very very opao for Yeah. about to close a little check out for everybody. Victoria, I just want to say I’ve had enough. Oh. Sorry, I just want to say I feel in my body that you’re going to be awesome. I can feel it in my fingers and I can feel it in my arms that you’re going to be great. Oh, thank thank you.

So, I think that will be my check out that all will be well. You’ll be you’ll just be your brilliant self. And because your heart’s in the right place, like you say, it’s not ego-driven. That by itself creates miracles and wonders. Thank you. I’m complete. pass to you. Thanks, Al. Um, yeah. So, it sort of puts in perspective. So, I was hoping that um all this time that I’m putting into my studies is a calling. I feel I really feel it’s a calling and I don’t know where it’s taking me, but I’m like I’m

giving up giving up. I’m contributing two years of my life and my husband’s life uh who has to look after me a little bit more than he normally does uh for something and it’s not for me. It’s actually for others and um so this was kind of uplifting for me to say yeah don’t worry about how short your runway is. Worry about that gift and making sure it’s ready. So thank you. It was a great great conversation. I appreciate it. Yeah. Um, let’s just hope that we will when the next crisis come, we won’t deal with it with our

ego, but with our higher self, which make it a lot easier, I guess. That’s my check out. Thank you. And I still wanted to add Victoria, today you were so different in your emanation than many other times. And I really appreciate that. So keep this this way of being and get out into the world. Thank you. I was going to say the same to you, Heidi. Isn’t that interesting? I was going to say um in your check-in when you mentioned that that now you’ve you know you’ve done enough now following every detail of what’s

happening in the world and you did that for 5 years and now it’s you’ve said okay now enough I’m going to and it reminded me of Kandid by Voltera you know let us cultivate our garden that’s the last line of Kandid and I thought yes yes yes do it because I felt with you too you you seem I don’t know today you seem like 10 years younger. It’s not just your background. It’s um you feel you feel so much fresher and and more invigorated. And I think I think that what what what we call here um I mean in all my groups that I go to

they talk about a news fast and um which I’ve never had trouble with as you know. Um, I keep my head in the sand as much as possible, but but I felt with you, Heidi, today this kind of incredible like like a renewed vigor and energy. And I think it it a lot of it probably can be directly attributed to that that you’ve you’ve done your part. You know what’s in the world and now you’ve worked on yourself now and now you you’re you’re you know ready to to give again. You’re you’re full of energy and

life and vitality. So, so back what do they say that’s very primitive in America? Back at you. Back at you, girl. I hate that. Yeah, thank you. I do feel like that and I think I have passed a a big path in my my transformation work. So, uh another how do you say chapter integrated. It will go on, I’m sure. But it it is it feels really good to have dedicated many many many days to the inner work and to be completely how do you say ruthless in in in in discovering where I’m telling stories and where it the situation is real where

you know I this is more or less the technique I’m I’m using and to discover your own um um pattern It’s not easy because the ego doesn’t want it but it is very awesome and um I will continue for sure and I it’s enough uh moments for practice in life but it feels at the moment it feels really good like I have reached another step let’s say in the in the development and it feels really good I have left the half uh empty class of the NIA type 4. I’m getting into the half full class or even into the full class. So I thank you for

this conversation. It was really really good. And I thank you GR also. She is not here yet at the moment but she did the initiation for our being together and I sent her all the love possible and to everybody who is listened later to us and has a similar situation and hope we can uplift you a little bit if you’re in spirit. Thank you. Why?