I made it, yes! I survived this past year! Life goes on, people say, and yes, it does and sometimes in ways which seem like a miracle albeit not always a pleasant one.
Sitting alone in our living room, attending alone an integral conference, the highlights of our life together. The few times when someone asks me about Mark, I start to cry. Shouldn’t I have overcome that after a year? – my perfectionist voice asks me. But the fact is, that “I haven’t moved on” in the way everyone around me seems to have done.
I am still here with him. You can call it a memory, but often it feels real. As if the otherworld is in direct contact with this one, as if I am not alone despite being alone, as if he went with me wherever I go, as he did in “real life”, but my body cannot be touched by his loving hands like in those old days.
Reality is that you are alone with your grief, with the sadness, with your body and soul revolting against destiny, the inevitable. Nobody wants to be reminded that the same thing will happen to them – and certainly I include myself here. COnfronted with the death of your beloved you will be pushed into the direct agony of your own death, lurking behind the corner. How can you live your life with that fear? So better bury it for the sake of continuing a somehow normal life! I confess, I can now understand why death is so much taboo and people avoid to talk to you about your experience for saving their emotional equilibrium. When you are directly concerned, this won’t work for you though. So the aloneness duplicates. And this is true even if you fill up your life with all sorts of activities! But the soul is alone, she cannot talk about what is the most important thing to her. Nobody really wants to listen, and maybe me neither.
Mark died on June 30th 2018. It was sudden that day, but the trajectory was pointing to that end. It was a shock and a relief, at least in the first time. He didn’t need to suffer further and I didn’t get more exhausted by the difficult task of being the only caregiver. There was gratitude for his choice and desperation for the one he did, time before: joining his daughter in heaven and not going on with life which always has seemed very demanding and a burden to him. First our beautiful relationship had ignited my life and then his death had put it upside down, in so many ways.
In South Africa I had a session with a shamanic healer. The first thing she saw was: my husband has died and I am very worried and too distracted to be taught the art of reading. Bang!
She saw more things which she simply could not know in the “real world”. This experience confirms my belief that there are “more things between heaven and earth”,than we tend to believe. And so my feeling of Mark’s presence might be not as absurd as a rational mind would accept.
For the first anniversary of this new relationship I want to offer you a video from our very first conversation on Youtube, and interview by Tee Ming Ooi which initiated us to our following activities with the Wisdom Factory. And, maybe, it is not only a coincidence, that Tee Ming Ooi is visiting me in my Paradiso Integrale for a few days with her family right in this period of time!